I heard we made out
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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