so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
