Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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