i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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