I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
this beer tastes like vomit already
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
