Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
