what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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