Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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