true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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