is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
