The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
