Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
