I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The Olympian is in my bed
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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