I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
