just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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