I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
