Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
