I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
