I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize