i think my tv is drunk
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
