it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
