Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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