anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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