You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
