tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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