did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
