Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
