just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
