Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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