She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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