Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
