If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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