How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
