closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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