I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
