because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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