woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
