He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
