Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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