I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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