uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
