FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
