i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
