I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
