I should be sponsored by Trojan
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
