i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me