Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
