we're chasing vodka with high fives
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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