he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
