I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
