Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
