drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
