Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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