I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
