So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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