so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
