I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
