As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
