sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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