I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
